I love the holidays!! So much! I love family and all the time we spend together. I love the spirit of giving that's so prevalent at this time of year. I love the festivities. I just love the atmosphere that hangs around.
On that note, I actually find that the holidays this year are lacking something. It's taken me about a week to figure it out, and now that I have, I miss it even more. Things are different of course, after living on my own at college for a while, but I wasn't expecting them to be this different. Not that I don't like it. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, and while this isn't pain in the typical, physical sense, it is a different form. It's new and I've never had to deal with it before. My poor family had to deal with me for a period of time in which I was irritable. I couldn't figure out what it was. Exhaustion? Hunger? Tired of studying for my Independent Study course? I just couldn't figure it out. I've just not been feeling 100% and I didn't know why, which irritated me. Unfortunately I passed that irritation on to my family, and I so wish I hadn't dampened the wonderful mood. I'm sorry.
Why is it that when I'm feeling or dealing with something new, it takes me so long to figure out that I am dealing with something I never have before, and then figure out that what exactly my reaction is to it? Dumb!! Then during the whole time I'm not as good as I could be to those around me. Dumb, dumb, dumb! They don't deserve that!
Anywho....yeah. New feeling. Don't like it. But I'll deal with it. Like I said, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. At least now I've recognized the source of it. (That's a plus). Hopefully now that I know what's going on I can not darken the holiday mood, right?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
O, Father!
This is something I originally wrote to the tune of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." It's not very good poetically/lyrically, but I think it describes what I feel sometimes. It's basically my prayer to God.
I'm passing through this life of woe and sin
I've lost my way and cannot find Him
I've tried my best, but I cannot win
I know not which way to begin
PLEASE, I need thy aid!
Father, gracious and divine
Please send me an angel of thine
To strengthen me and draw the line
That thou might lighten my load
And I will know thy will in every fork in every road
I feel so alone, and I'm so afraid
All the voices in my head start a raid
Tearing at my mind, making it frayed
Please, fill my heart with thy mighty aid
O, FATHER!
PLEASE!
Life is....
Life is...life.
It's hard.
It's fun.
It's a decision.
It's an opportunity.
It's a chance.
It's a time.
It's a growth.
It's learning.
So many choices to make, and the pressures make it feel like I have so little time. Really though, patience is a virtue.Work it out, wait it out, move on out if I need to... I guess it's about time to have a long needed conversation with the only Father who knows everything. :D
It's hard.
It's fun.
It's a decision.
It's an opportunity.
It's a chance.
It's a time.
It's a growth.
It's learning.
So many choices to make, and the pressures make it feel like I have so little time. Really though, patience is a virtue.Work it out, wait it out, move on out if I need to... I guess it's about time to have a long needed conversation with the only Father who knows everything. :D
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Almost a New Year...
Tomorrow is my dad's 50th birthday! Happy birthday! He's a great dad and has been a wonderful blessing in my life. He's taught me so much since I was born exactly 30 years and 4 days after him, and he's always been there for me. I feel bad for how rebellious of a child I was at times, and didn't think about him. He really is a very loving, kind, caring father who puts his family before everything but God. I would not be here without him (physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally). I really have learned so much from him, even if he doesn't know it, I learned.
LoVe yOu dAd!
That means that in 5 days I'll be out of my teen years. So weird, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm excited though, that I've lived another year of life and I don't have any huge regrets. Sure I've made mistakes I wish I hadn't, but it's been a good year. I'm also excited because I get another year to work on being better; there are so many things I have learned this last year, and I can't even imagine what's ahead of me now, but I'm excited.
Learn from yesterday. Hope for tomorrow. Live in today.
- I'm workin on it!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
FEAR!
Why is my life so run by fear?
I try so hard, and work so long, I believe I'm in good shape.
I come to a road block and I pray, thinking I have found the escape.
The problem though is, that I do not understand how God speaks
I perceive my logic to be profound, but it's really not very sound.
For the translation I've make, well quite frankly, it wreaks.
With some major aid from God, and a wonderful friend to talk to today, I've learned a bit more about myself. I have prayed so hard for so long for some experiences that I think would be highly helpful in my personal development. For so long I have thought that my prayers were not being answered, maybe the timing was wrong, or maybe I was not being faithful enough. The latter was the problem. I tried to be faithful, but honestly, I don't understand what that really means. God was answering my prayers, but I was blind to his answer. I couldn't see that what was right in front of me was God's way of giving me experience.
And I turned them away.
I was so blind that I could not see God's will and God's plan for me. I did not have faith in Christ. I did not trust that He was giving me "experience" so that I might learn something that would be "for [my] good."
Why am I so blind?!
In my blindness, there was fear. I was afraid of the hardships and the difficulties I would find in the "experience." My trust in God was not strong enough to overcome my fear of failure. For that I am sorry. Underlying all my self-deceit was my fear of the unknown. My fear of being hurt or betrayed. My fear of loosing a great friendship. I told myself so many lies to make myself feel better, but they only made it worse. I was afraid and thus I was not faithful. So many times I have fought against the will of God, telling myself that God just wasn't answering my prayers yet, that I could not hear His will, that I already had my answer from God.
But I was not Listening.
So many times I have told myself that I know God's will. But I did not. I knew my will and not His. I could see clearly the way I had set out for myself, and was completely blind to the path God has for me. The basis = fear. I still struggle with this, and I need help, oh so much help. But I will work on it. And maybe one day I will conquer all my fears.
I try so hard, and work so long, I believe I'm in good shape.
I come to a road block and I pray, thinking I have found the escape.
The problem though is, that I do not understand how God speaks
I perceive my logic to be profound, but it's really not very sound.
For the translation I've make, well quite frankly, it wreaks.
With some major aid from God, and a wonderful friend to talk to today, I've learned a bit more about myself. I have prayed so hard for so long for some experiences that I think would be highly helpful in my personal development. For so long I have thought that my prayers were not being answered, maybe the timing was wrong, or maybe I was not being faithful enough. The latter was the problem. I tried to be faithful, but honestly, I don't understand what that really means. God was answering my prayers, but I was blind to his answer. I couldn't see that what was right in front of me was God's way of giving me experience.
"And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine & Covenants 122:7.I have so thought out my plan of what my life will be like, that when things come that do not fit that plan, I get scared and I push them away. I fight them with everything I've got. What a waist of my strength. Many, oh so many, of those experiences were given to me as a gift from God, an answer to my prayers, an experience that would be for my good.
And I turned them away.
I was so blind that I could not see God's will and God's plan for me. I did not have faith in Christ. I did not trust that He was giving me "experience" so that I might learn something that would be "for [my] good."
Why am I so blind?!
In my blindness, there was fear. I was afraid of the hardships and the difficulties I would find in the "experience." My trust in God was not strong enough to overcome my fear of failure. For that I am sorry. Underlying all my self-deceit was my fear of the unknown. My fear of being hurt or betrayed. My fear of loosing a great friendship. I told myself so many lies to make myself feel better, but they only made it worse. I was afraid and thus I was not faithful. So many times I have fought against the will of God, telling myself that God just wasn't answering my prayers yet, that I could not hear His will, that I already had my answer from God.
But I was not Listening.
So many times I have told myself that I know God's will. But I did not. I knew my will and not His. I could see clearly the way I had set out for myself, and was completely blind to the path God has for me. The basis = fear. I still struggle with this, and I need help, oh so much help. But I will work on it. And maybe one day I will conquer all my fears.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Life is a highway!
Wroom Wroom! "I wanna drive it all night long!"
I'm so excited for our little friend excursion this weekend! Me and a couple friends, and maybe some family, are heading to Duschesne this weekend - yeah, I know, middle of nowhere, why would we go there? Well...Brady's in a play at school and asked if I would come see it. So I'm making a fun trip out of it. We're going down Friday evening and watching his play that night, then spending the night at Gordon's parents' house and in the morning, we're making waffles! Haha, maybe we will. Saturday we're going to go fourwheeling or horseback riding thanks to my wonderful, generous uncle Gordon. It's great! I'm so so excited!
So recently I've been trying to figure my life out, where I want to go in my life, what I want to do and who I want to be. I've been trying to hard to illuminate the darkness that covers my future that I lost track of letting Christ be my guide. I realize now what I've done and that I just need to give it up and follow Him since He can see through the darkness while I cannot. It is a bit frustrating to me because I like to be independent and do things on my own, but a lot of times my independence is detrimental to my health. I need to be more dependent, but not overly dependent, especially on God. So, I am working on giving up my will and following Christ with faith in Him.
That said...I don't think now is the time for me to learn a foreign language. I really really want to be bilingual, but I just feel that that is not the way God wants me to go right now. So, I am going to put that dream on hold right now, stick it on a shelf and come to it in God's time, turn from it and go with what God says. This is so hard, but I am going to learn how to be better at this.
I'm so excited for our little friend excursion this weekend! Me and a couple friends, and maybe some family, are heading to Duschesne this weekend - yeah, I know, middle of nowhere, why would we go there? Well...Brady's in a play at school and asked if I would come see it. So I'm making a fun trip out of it. We're going down Friday evening and watching his play that night, then spending the night at Gordon's parents' house and in the morning, we're making waffles! Haha, maybe we will. Saturday we're going to go fourwheeling or horseback riding thanks to my wonderful, generous uncle Gordon. It's great! I'm so so excited!
So recently I've been trying to figure my life out, where I want to go in my life, what I want to do and who I want to be. I've been trying to hard to illuminate the darkness that covers my future that I lost track of letting Christ be my guide. I realize now what I've done and that I just need to give it up and follow Him since He can see through the darkness while I cannot. It is a bit frustrating to me because I like to be independent and do things on my own, but a lot of times my independence is detrimental to my health. I need to be more dependent, but not overly dependent, especially on God. So, I am working on giving up my will and following Christ with faith in Him.
That said...I don't think now is the time for me to learn a foreign language. I really really want to be bilingual, but I just feel that that is not the way God wants me to go right now. So, I am going to put that dream on hold right now, stick it on a shelf and come to it in God's time, turn from it and go with what God says. This is so hard, but I am going to learn how to be better at this.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
KO-RE-A!
Woot Woot!
As many of you know I had the fabulous opportunity to go to South Korea to pick up Michael from his mission, and what an adventure it was!
These are in the Vancouver, Canada airport. Beautiful.
So we flew out Sunday morning and arrived in Incheon, South Korea Monday night and stayed in a hotel near the airport. It was a very nice hotel and I loved it.
Tuesday morning we packed up and took a bus into Seoul, walked to our hotel, and meandered around until we could go pick up Michael. We only met one person that spoke fluent english, so that was an adventure! Then we took a taxi to go to the mission president's house to pick up Michael! Left to right (Top): Dad, me, Michael, Sister Beisinger, Brother Beisinger; (Bottom) The Mission President and his wife, Sister Mien, Brother Cho (old president).
After we picked him up we went to a ward (or stake) choir concert. It was beautiful, but I just could not stay awake; talk about jet lag. Wednesday morning we took a 3 hr. bus ride to Sokcho (which was my favorite place) and hiked Sorakson Mountain, all 808 steps to the top too.
After the hike we ate at a local restaurant and Michael totally fell in love with the kimchi.
Thursday we toured Seoul a bit more and hiked to Kim-Ho-Jeek's grave site (he's responsible for the introduction of the Church to Korea) and hike the gravesite mountain.
That night I met Surgi and Surun (?) and their mother and aunt. They took us to a fancy Japanese restaurant and treated us so well (they even gave us a ride to the airport Saturday).
After dinner we went to the Korean House to watch traditional dances.
Friday we hiked Michael's favorite morning run site that is right by the mission home.
Then we visited the Blue House (like our White House) and the ancient palace.
That night the ward bishop took us up to Namsan Tower, which was awesome.
Saturday we flew home. It was a wonderful cultural experience for me. I loved to see how Michael had grown spiritually in the two years he spent in Korea and the love the people there had for him was so abundant.
As many of you know I had the fabulous opportunity to go to South Korea to pick up Michael from his mission, and what an adventure it was!
These are in the Vancouver, Canada airport. Beautiful.
So we flew out Sunday morning and arrived in Incheon, South Korea Monday night and stayed in a hotel near the airport. It was a very nice hotel and I loved it.
Tuesday morning we packed up and took a bus into Seoul, walked to our hotel, and meandered around until we could go pick up Michael. We only met one person that spoke fluent english, so that was an adventure! Then we took a taxi to go to the mission president's house to pick up Michael! Left to right (Top): Dad, me, Michael, Sister Beisinger, Brother Beisinger; (Bottom) The Mission President and his wife, Sister Mien, Brother Cho (old president).
After we picked him up we went to a ward (or stake) choir concert. It was beautiful, but I just could not stay awake; talk about jet lag. Wednesday morning we took a 3 hr. bus ride to Sokcho (which was my favorite place) and hiked Sorakson Mountain, all 808 steps to the top too.
After the hike we ate at a local restaurant and Michael totally fell in love with the kimchi.
Thursday we toured Seoul a bit more and hiked to Kim-Ho-Jeek's grave site (he's responsible for the introduction of the Church to Korea) and hike the gravesite mountain.
That night I met Surgi and Surun (?) and their mother and aunt. They took us to a fancy Japanese restaurant and treated us so well (they even gave us a ride to the airport Saturday).
After dinner we went to the Korean House to watch traditional dances.
Friday we hiked Michael's favorite morning run site that is right by the mission home.
Then we visited the Blue House (like our White House) and the ancient palace.
That night the ward bishop took us up to Namsan Tower, which was awesome.
Saturday we flew home. It was a wonderful cultural experience for me. I loved to see how Michael had grown spiritually in the two years he spent in Korea and the love the people there had for him was so abundant.
What a great experience!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Long Overdue
Ok, so maybe I don't upkeep my blog, I'm just not an avid blogger. I suppose I will give a brief update though.
So, first off. The Nelsons came to Utah a while ago and while they were here we had a bit of a fashion show.
I pretty much just love this one! It's so funny!
Running away from all the strange passersby...we got some crazy looks. Even me, and I was the photographer for heaven's sakes.
Of course they have to take a jumping pic.
These next ones I just like (individuals):
Oh my cousin Robby... :)
Next off, family reunion at Lake Powell!!
I tried the air chair for the first time in my life. I liked it a lot; didn't quite get the hang of it, but I did enjoy what I could do.
I think the next time I try it I will be better now that I know the best way to get up and what to do to stay up.
Haha, and then there's my uncle who goes and shows us all up by doing flips.
We tried wakeboarding. Jess totally got it (it's her second time) and so did everyone else, but I just could not get up for some reason. I totally wore out my wrists trying to grip the rope, but just couldn't hold on. Maybe it was just the end of the day wear or the fact that it was getting colder as the sun was going down, but whatever the reason I'll fix it the next time I go.
And of course we did some tubing, jumping, and flying!
Whew! Next off there was Jennie's wedding the first of August.
Waiting for Jennie and Mike to emerge from the beautiful doors of the temple, her friends anxiously awaited and occupied themselves by taking random photos.
Finally, after much waiting and anticipation, they showed up!
After much photo taking on a hot summer afternoon and a few hours break... it was time for the reception (which was gorgeous might I add).
So while the newly-weds stood in the line and took more photos, we had some fun with the cake and other decor around the yard.
Then we got bored and started wandering.
Now we finally get to take pictures with the beautiful bride!!! She is so freakin gorgeous!
It was such a long day. The couple was so tired afterwords (I would be too after doing all they did).
And Mike totally loved me for helping to decorate his newely waxed car ;D
So my chums and I went up to Snowbird to stay in a condo and have some fun for a day, it was so great!
After a great night at the pool, spa, and hot tub followed closely by a late night move and some sleep we awoke to a bright new day and decided to go on a hike to where ever the trail took us.
Following said random hike we stopped for a lunch break at a nearby park.
Oh yeah! Check out that mountain we just climbed!! ;)
Then we found this crazy playground thing and totally had a blast!
We ran into this big ant bug that was pretty creepy.
And we found a bunch of other stuff that was quite fun to mess around with.
Then we took some time to mock Mike and Jennie cuz we love them so much!
..And squished ourselves in mirrors.
On our walk back to the cars we found this foxy little bridge that was so fun to play with.
Finding silly signs along our way.
Oh, and I found out that one of my friends is a tree hugger while the other has a form of tree phobia.
So that gets you up to date. School starts in two weeks and I am so excited to get started again. I have some great classes and some wonderful teachers from what I've heard. I move out of home and into an apartment late next week and then I'll be on my own again. Michael gets back from his mission September 19th and my dad and I are going to pick him up in KOREA I am so excited to go see that country; I just can't wait!
So, first off. The Nelsons came to Utah a while ago and while they were here we had a bit of a fashion show.
Jess just had to show off. She was so excited for graduation and loved to pose in her cap and gown. Crazy, but I love her.
I pretty much just love this one! It's so funny!
Running away from all the strange passersby...we got some crazy looks. Even me, and I was the photographer for heaven's sakes.
Of course they have to take a jumping pic.
These next ones I just like (individuals):
Oh my cousin Robby... :)
Next off, family reunion at Lake Powell!!
I tried the air chair for the first time in my life. I liked it a lot; didn't quite get the hang of it, but I did enjoy what I could do.
I think the next time I try it I will be better now that I know the best way to get up and what to do to stay up.
Haha, and then there's my uncle who goes and shows us all up by doing flips.
We tried wakeboarding. Jess totally got it (it's her second time) and so did everyone else, but I just could not get up for some reason. I totally wore out my wrists trying to grip the rope, but just couldn't hold on. Maybe it was just the end of the day wear or the fact that it was getting colder as the sun was going down, but whatever the reason I'll fix it the next time I go.
And of course we did some tubing, jumping, and flying!
Whew! Next off there was Jennie's wedding the first of August.
Waiting for Jennie and Mike to emerge from the beautiful doors of the temple, her friends anxiously awaited and occupied themselves by taking random photos.
Finally, after much waiting and anticipation, they showed up!
After much photo taking on a hot summer afternoon and a few hours break... it was time for the reception (which was gorgeous might I add).
So while the newly-weds stood in the line and took more photos, we had some fun with the cake and other decor around the yard.
Then we got bored and started wandering.
Now we finally get to take pictures with the beautiful bride!!! She is so freakin gorgeous!
It was such a long day. The couple was so tired afterwords (I would be too after doing all they did).
And Mike totally loved me for helping to decorate his newely waxed car ;D
So my chums and I went up to Snowbird to stay in a condo and have some fun for a day, it was so great!
After a great night at the pool, spa, and hot tub followed closely by a late night move and some sleep we awoke to a bright new day and decided to go on a hike to where ever the trail took us.
Following said random hike we stopped for a lunch break at a nearby park.
Oh yeah! Check out that mountain we just climbed!! ;)
Then we found this crazy playground thing and totally had a blast!
We ran into this big ant bug that was pretty creepy.
And we found a bunch of other stuff that was quite fun to mess around with.
Then we took some time to mock Mike and Jennie cuz we love them so much!
..And squished ourselves in mirrors.
On our walk back to the cars we found this foxy little bridge that was so fun to play with.
Finding silly signs along our way.
Oh, and I found out that one of my friends is a tree hugger while the other has a form of tree phobia.
So that gets you up to date. School starts in two weeks and I am so excited to get started again. I have some great classes and some wonderful teachers from what I've heard. I move out of home and into an apartment late next week and then I'll be on my own again. Michael gets back from his mission September 19th and my dad and I are going to pick him up in KOREA I am so excited to go see that country; I just can't wait!
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