FEAR!

Why is my life so run by fear? 

     I try so hard, and work so long, I believe I'm in good shape.
     I come to a road block and I pray, thinking I have found the escape.
     The problem though is, that I do not understand how God speaks
     I perceive my logic to be profound, but it's really not very sound.
     For the translation I've make, well quite frankly, it wreaks.

With some major aid from God, and a wonderful friend to talk to today, I've learned a bit more about myself. I have prayed so hard for so long for some experiences that I think would be highly helpful in my personal development. For so long I have thought that my prayers were not being answered, maybe the timing was wrong, or maybe I was not being faithful enough. The latter was the problem. I tried to be faithful, but honestly, I don't understand what that really means. God was answering my prayers, but I was blind to his answer. I couldn't see that what was right in front of me was God's way of giving me experience.

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine & Covenants 122:7.

I have so thought out my plan of what my life will be like, that when things come that do not fit that plan, I get scared and I push them away. I fight them with everything I've got. What a waist of my strength. Many, oh so many, of those experiences were given to me as a gift from God, an answer to my prayers, an experience that would be for my good.

And I turned them away.

I was so blind that I could not see God's will and God's plan for me. I did not have faith in Christ. I did not trust that He was giving me "experience" so that I might learn something that would be "for [my] good."

Why am I so blind?!

In my blindness, there was fear. I was afraid of the hardships and the difficulties I would find in the "experience." My trust in God was not strong enough to overcome my fear of failure. For that I am sorry. Underlying all my self-deceit was my fear of the unknown. My fear of being hurt or betrayed. My fear of loosing a great friendship. I told myself so many lies to make myself feel better, but they only made it worse. I was afraid and thus I was not faithful. So many times I have fought against the will of God, telling myself that God just wasn't answering my prayers yet, that I could not hear His will, that I already had my answer from God.

But I was not Listening.


So many times I have told myself that I know God's will. But I did not. I knew my will and not His. I could see clearly the way I had set out for myself, and was completely blind to the path God has for me. The basis = fear. I still struggle with this, and I need help, oh so much help. But I will work on it. And maybe one day I will conquer all my fears.

Life is a highway!

Wroom Wroom! "I wanna drive it all night long!"

I'm so excited for our little friend excursion this weekend! Me and a couple friends, and maybe some family, are heading to Duschesne this weekend - yeah, I know, middle of nowhere, why would we go there? Well...Brady's in a play at school and asked if I would come see it. So I'm making a fun trip out of it. We're going down Friday evening and watching his play that night, then spending the night at Gordon's parents' house and in the morning, we're making waffles! Haha, maybe we will. Saturday we're going to go fourwheeling or horseback riding thanks to my wonderful, generous uncle Gordon. It's great! I'm so so excited!

So recently I've been trying to figure my life out, where I want to go in my life, what I want to do and who I want to be. I've been trying to hard to illuminate the darkness that covers my future that I lost track of letting Christ be my guide. I realize now what I've done and that I just need to give it up and follow Him since He can see through the darkness while I cannot. It is a bit frustrating to me because I like to be independent and do things on my own, but a lot of times my independence is detrimental to my health. I need to be more dependent, but not overly dependent, especially on God. So, I am working on giving up my will and following Christ with faith in Him.

That said...I don't think now is the time for me to learn a foreign language. I really really want to be bilingual, but I just feel that that is not the way God wants me to go right now. So, I am going to put that dream on hold right now, stick it on a shelf and come to it in God's time, turn from it and go with what God says. This is so hard, but I am going to learn how to be better at this.