Happy Holidays!

I love the holidays!! So much! I love family and all the time we spend together. I love the spirit of giving that's so prevalent at this time of year. I love the festivities. I just love the atmosphere that hangs around.
      On that note, I actually find that the holidays this year are lacking something. It's taken me about a week to figure it out, and now that I have, I miss it even more. Things are different of course, after living on my own at college for a while, but I wasn't expecting them to be this different. Not that I don't like it. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, and while this isn't pain in the typical, physical sense, it is a different form. It's new and I've never had to deal with it before. My poor family had to deal with me for a period of time in which I was irritable. I couldn't figure out what it was. Exhaustion? Hunger? Tired of studying for my Independent Study course? I just couldn't figure it out. I've just not been feeling 100% and I didn't know why, which irritated me. Unfortunately I passed that irritation on to my family, and I so wish I hadn't dampened the wonderful mood. I'm sorry.
    Why is it that when I'm feeling or dealing with something new, it takes me so long to figure out that I am dealing with something I never have before, and then figure out that what exactly my reaction is to it? Dumb!! Then during the whole time I'm not as good as I could be to those around me. Dumb, dumb, dumb! They don't deserve that!
    Anywho....yeah. New feeling. Don't like it. But I'll deal with it. Like I said, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. At least now I've recognized the source of it. (That's a plus). Hopefully now that I know what's going on I can not darken the holiday mood, right?

O, Father!

This is something I originally wrote to the tune of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." It's not very good poetically/lyrically, but I think it describes what I feel sometimes. It's basically my prayer to God.

I'm passing through this life of woe and sin

I've lost my way and cannot find Him

I've tried my best, but I cannot win

I know not which way to begin

     PLEASE, I need thy aid!

Father, gracious and divine

Please send me an angel of thine

To strengthen me and draw the line

That thou might lighten my load

And I will know thy will in every fork in every road

I feel so alone, and I'm so afraid

All the voices in my head start a raid

Tearing at my mind, making it frayed

Please, fill my heart with thy mighty aid

  O, FATHER!

         PLEASE!

Life is....

Life is...life.
     It's hard.
  It's fun.
           It's a decision.
       It's an opportunity.
                It's a chance.
    It's a time.
 It's a growth.
                   It's learning.

So many choices to make, and the pressures make it feel like I have so little time. Really though, patience is a virtue.Work it out, wait it out, move on out if I need to... I guess it's about time to have a long needed conversation with the only Father who knows everything. :D

Almost a New Year...

Tomorrow is my dad's 50th birthday! Happy birthday! He's a great dad and has been a wonderful blessing in my life. He's taught me so much since I was born exactly 30 years and 4 days after him, and he's always been there for me. I feel bad for how rebellious of a child I was at times, and didn't think about him. He really is a very loving, kind, caring father who puts his family before everything but God. I would not be here without him (physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally). I really have learned so much from him, even if he doesn't know it, I learned.

                                        LoVe yOu dAd!

That means that in 5 days I'll be out of my teen years. So weird, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm excited though, that I've lived another year of life and I don't have any huge regrets. Sure I've made mistakes I wish I hadn't, but it's been a good year. I'm also excited because I get another year to work on being better; there are so many things I have learned this last year, and I can't even imagine what's ahead of me now, but I'm excited.

Learn from yesterday. Hope for tomorrow. Live in today.

                                 - I'm workin on it!